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Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Dr. Sue Johnson

Last accessed on Wednesday March 24, 2021

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She devised a very simple experiment to look at the four behaviors that Bowlby and she believed were basic to attachment: that we monitor and maintain emotional and physical closeness with our beloved; that we reach out for this person when we are unsure, upset, or feeling down; that we miss this person when we are apart; and that we count on this person to be there for us when we go out into the world and explore.

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When we feel generally secure, that is, we are comfortable with closeness and confident about depending on loved ones, we are better at seeking support — and better at giving it.

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When we feel safely linked to our partners, we more easily roll with the hurts they inevitably inflict, and we are less likely to be aggressively hostile when we get mad at them.

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The demand-withdraw pattern is not just a bad habit, it reflects a deeper underlying reality: such couples are starving emotionally. They are losing the source of their emotional sustenance. They feel deprived. And they are desperate to regain that nurturance.

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Sarah’s message is urgent but Tim doesn’t get it. He finds her “too emotional.” But that is the point. We are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened. Sarah desperately needs to reconnect with Tim. Tim is desperately afraid that he has lost that intimacy with Sarah — connection is vital to him as well. But his need for connection is masked by talk of compromise and growing up. He tries to dismiss Sarah’s concerns to keep everything “calm and on track.” Can they begin to emotionally “hear” each other again? Can they be tuned in once more? How can I help them?

Note:Am I Tim?

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Tim continues to express his needs, Sarah sees “the man I fell in love with, the man I always wanted.” It is then Sarah’s turn to move into a new dance where she can soften her angry stance. She can tell him about her fear that he had “abandoned” her and her longing for his reassurance. I encourage her to ask specifically for what she needs to make her feel safe. “It’s such a risk, like leaping from a great height in the hope you will catch

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Did the story of Tim and Sarah make sense to you? Did it seem familiar? What part really seemed important to you, and how do you understand that?

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The range of responses becomes more restricted, slowly deadening the relationship.

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The secret to stopping the dance is to recognize that no one has to be the bad guy. The accuse/ accuse pattern itself is the villain here, and the partners are the victims.

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To help them recognize their Demon Dialogue, I suggest that they: • Stay in the present and focus on what is happening between them right now. • Look at the circle of criticism that spins both of them around. There is no true “start” to a circle. • Consider the circle, the dance, as their enemy and the consequences of not breaking the circle.

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think of a time when you clearly were at fault in creating a minor problem. For example, I went to a friend’s house for a dinner party and dropped the entrée on the kitchen floor while trying to help. Now think of your actions in your situation and four different ways you could have made someone else the bad guy. (But the dish was heavy and she had not told me!) Find out how good you are at it. Imagine three ways a companion might respond negatively to your remarks. What would have happened then? Do you get into a loop?

Note:Exercise

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This “forever” quality makes sense because the main moves of the Protest Polka create a stable loop, each move calling forth and reinforcing the next. One partner reaches out, albeit in a negative way, and the other steps back, and the pattern repeats.

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Attachment relationships are the only ties on Earth where any response is better than none. When we get no emotional response from a loved one, we are wired to protest. The Protest Polka is all about trying to get a response, a response that connects and reassures.

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The old axiom “When in doubt, say or do nothing” is terrible advice in love relationships. The question is, can you help each other stop this “spiral”? Can you see when you are caught in it and move together to take your relationship back?

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He would not hear her distress or disappointment as a sentence of doom for him as a lover or for their relationship, but as a sign of her need for closeness with him.

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“I shut down and wait for her to calm down. I try to keep everything calm, not rock the boat. That is my way of taking care of the relationship. Don’t rock the boat.”

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• “I don’t feel that I need anyone the way she does. I am just not as needy. I was always taught that it’s weak to let yourself need someone like that, childish. So I try to handle things on my own. I just walk away.”

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using rational problem solving as a way out of emotional interactions.

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push the feelings away, hide out, space out, try to stay in my head, and fix things. What they usually talk about in terms of their feelings is depression, numbness, and lack of feeling, or a sense of hopelessness and failure.

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If I appeal to you for emotional connection and you respond intellectually to a problem, rather than directly to me, on an attachment level I will experience that as “no response.”

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“Wait a minute. What is happening here? We are getting caught up in a silly fight and we are both getting hurt.” This is the first step in stopping the polka: recognize the music.

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Each person is trapped in the dance and unwittingly helps to trap the other. If I attack you, I pull you into defense and justification. I inadvertently make it hard for you to be open and responsive to me. If I stay aloof and apart, I leave you separate and alone and pull you into pursuing and pushing for connection.

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Third, the polka is all about attachment distress. It cannot be stopped with logical problem solving or formal communication skill techniques.

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was the argument really about whether to rebuild the cottage where one partner likes to go and paint, or was it about attachment security? Perhaps the partner who is left behind is just that — left behind.

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Can you see the whole feedback loop? Describe it very simply by filling in the blanks in the following sentence with one word. The more I _________, the more you _________ and then the more I _________, and round and round we go.

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This is what happens when the pursuing, critical partner gives up trying to get the spouse’s attention and goes silent. If this cycle runs its course, the aggressive partner will grieve the relationship and then will detach and leave. At this point, partners typically are very polite to each other, even cooperative around pragmatic issues, but unless something is done, the love relationship is over.

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with the Freeze and Flee cycle is the hopelessness that colors it. Both of these partners had decided that their difficulty lay in themselves, in their innate flaws. The natural response to this is to hide, to conceal one’s unlovable self.

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Can you share with your partner one cue that sparks the distancing dance? It can be as simple as a turn of the head at a particular moment. Can you also identify exactly how you push your partner away from you or make it dangerous for him or her to come closer?

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See if you can summarize the pattern that takes over your relationship by filling in the blanks in the following statements. Then edit them into a paragraph that best fits you and your relationship. Share it with your partner. When _________, I do not feel safely connected to you.

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He was tired and drowsy, but it sent me back to days when an ex-partner would fall instantly asleep every time I tried to start a serious conversation. Dozing off was a not-so-subtle form of withdrawing, disconnecting from the relationship.

Note:Denny?

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Stopping these destructive dynamics depends not only on identifying and curbing the Demon Dialogues (Conversation 1) but also on finding and soothing our raw spots and helping our lover to do the same.

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Each emotion has a specific physiological signature. When we are afraid, blood flow increases to the legs; when we are angry, blood flow increases to the hands.

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took less than two-hundredths of a second (this is about the time scientists estimate it takes to register the emotion on another’s face).

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“In my head, I say to myself, ‘He is judging me.’ So I kind of get mad with him. But that’s not quite it. It’s more like ‘He’s not with me here. I have to do this all on my own.’ My need for support doesn’t matter. That is scary.”

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“My mom always told me that I’d never amount to much and that my sister was the only one who was going somewhere. I was on my own in that house. My dreams were irrelevant. When I met Patrick he seemed to believe in me. For the first time, I felt safe. But now when I perceive him as critical and dismissive when I need support, it brings up that old feeling of not being cared for. All that hurt comes alive in me again.”

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I am hunkered down, avoiding every sign of upset from someone and listening for negative stuff so I can run, it does kind of limit how we connect.”

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“It’s hard for me to share this . . .” is a great opening. It is easier then to go on to reveal a little of what you are sensitive about.

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This basic “It’s not your inadequacies, it’s how we are wired” message seems to help a lot. This couple’s pattern of “You will listen/You can’t make me” has been in place throughout their marriage but became more powerful and toxic once Kerrie started her successful career as a real estate broker.

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I cannot resist pointing out that Sal’s anger pushes Kerrie away and as she distances they both step into a spiral of insecurity and isolation.

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The second part — What Do I Need Most from You? — is crucial, the tipping point encounter in EFT. It involves being able to openly and coherently speak your needs in a way that invites

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